Meetups & Mixers Hosting Guide
Part III: Running the Event
Your First Few Events
Your first few events may be the most important. The effort you put into recruiting attendees – and their experience at your event – may determine if your event series develops a life of its own, or fizzles out. With that in mind, here are a few tips to help you get over that crucial hump.
👬 Bring some friends
Bring 3 or more friends to your first event – even if they’re not non-monogamous! This helps ensure that there are enough people there for attendees – and you! – to talk to, even if attendance is sparse.
🧑💻 Build out your dream invite list
If you have friends or acquaintances that you know you want at your event, reach out directly to let them know that their attendance is desired. Give them plenty of notice and don’t take it personally if somebody is unable to attend.
📢 Reach out to attendees before the event
If you have the ability to contact attendees before the event, reach out to them a couple days beforehand. Thank them for attending this new event, and ask if they can bring anyone along. A little personal touch goes a long way!
✉️ Reach out to attendees after the event
Thank people for coming, and collect feedback about what they liked and what they’d like to see done differently. Invite them to your next event, and ask them to bring friends.
⚙ Stick with it!
It may take a few months for your event to really get off the ground. Don’t expect it to be a smash hit out of the gate – keep putting in the effort! Let’s say your first Happy Hour mixer only has three attendees. It’s tempting to think of that as a “failure.” But if those three people each bring a friend the next month, and they each bring a friend the next month… by month five, you have 48 attendees!
During the Event
While we can’t provide a detailed guide that accounts for every type of event (running a happy hour at a bar is obviously different from running a discussion group at your home), we can still offer some general suggestions that are relevant across every type of event.
🔲 We ❤️ name tags!
Name tags make it easier to connect. We strongly recommend providing name tags at your event, and putting them by the door so that people notice when they arrive. We also encourage posting a sign reminding people to put their pronouns on their name tag. Finally, don’t forget to provide a little receptacle to collect the paper backings of the name tag stickers – it’ll save you time during cleanup!
🤝 The first person people meet will set the tone for their experience
If people are greeted at the door by someone friendly and inviting, they are more likely to feel comfortable and socially safe. Conversely, if the first person guests encounter is prickly or uninviting, they are more likely to keep their guard up. For this reason, we suggest having a “greeter” who welcomes people and helps them get oriented.
👋 Go out of your way to be welcoming to new people
For some people, it requires a lot of bravery to go to something new! Make people feel welcome, and let them know you’re around if they need support or have any questions.
👀 Be present and visible as a host
Make sure to circulate in order to keep an eye on the space and people’s experiences. Plus, folks will feel more engaged with your event if they know who’s behind it.
🦸 Be on the look out for people who appear to feel out of place.
Keep an eye out for people at your event who may feel uncomfortable or out of place. Social mixers can be challenging environments for people. If you see somebody who may be having a difficult time, say hello and introduce yourself. It may be helpful to offer to make an introduction or to ask if there’s anything you can do to support.
⭕ For smaller events, consider an opening circle and introductions
Ask everyone to share their name (and pronouns!), and maybe make a few (short!) remarks about the event and its intentions. This is a great way to break the ice and “set the container,” i.e. set the tone for your event.
📣 Announcements are awesome, too!
Even for larger events, it can be a good idea to get everyone’s attention for a minute or two. Thank people for coming, introduce yourself as the host, share any important info about the venue or event, provide a few discussion prompts, let people know about other upcoming events, etc.
💬 Provide a prompt
Connection is a flow state and connecting with strangers doesn’t come easily to everyone. Prompts can be a helpful way to give people something to chat about. We love these conversation prompts created by the organizer of the Bay Area Poly Happy Hour, who puts them out around the bar where the event is held. You can also put out simple connection games like “Truth or Dare Jenga” or “Mingle Bingo.” Inviting a new person to provide a “prompt” activity each month is also a great way to engage participants. Making your prompt connect to non-monogamy is also a great way to inspire connection around something that everyone at your event (presumably) has in common. We’ve included some of our favorite activities in the resources section of this guide.
❤️🩹 Give people a break
Large social spaces – especially with lots of new faces – can be overwhelming for many people! If possible, create a space where people can step away to take a break. If you’re hosting in a home, that could look like a spare bedroom where people can take a minute. At Bay Area Poly Happy Hour, the organizers put out coloring books and pencils in a quieter corner of the venue.
Running Different Types of Events
In addition to these general tips, we have compiled a few tips specific to different types of events below!
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Happy Hours are great because they’re simple, straightforward, and easier to run than other types of events.
Find a Venue
When you’re starting your event, the first step will be finding a venue. Ideally, you’re looking for a location that can accommodate your ongoing schedule. It’s easiest to do this on a weekday when the venue isn’t very busy since the venue will appreciate the business.
Ideally you can find a venue that’s central for people you expect to attend. In urban areas, it’s a good idea to find a location that’s near public transportation.
The venue you choose will play a major role in how your event goes. Choosing a space with the right mood, layout, lighting, etc. can significantly shape people’s experience. While it’s generally a good idea to stick to the same venue for each event, don’t be afraid to move if you find a better fit.
Make People Feel Welcome
As an event host, it’s your responsibility to ensure that people are able to find your group easily and feel welcomed once they’re there. Greeting people at the front and offering a name-tag is a great way to make people feel that they’re in the right place.
Hosts should be approachable and easy to find. If somebody is having a difficult time at your event
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Finding a hike:
Find hikes near you on AllTrails or another website or platform.
Aim for 3-5 miles, easy/moderate, or any trail that’s a little under two hours to complete
Mix it up each month by finding some trails that are wide and some that are narrow. Narrow trails let attendees drop into deeper conversation, while wide trails allow for more mixing and mingling
Hosting a hike:
Create an FAQ page/doc — to answer questions particular to your hike, like whether kids and dogs are permitted attendees. This will save you a lot of time in answering individuals
Host at the same day and time each month — In the Bay Area, Saturday from 10am-12:30pm works well — parking isn’t too crowded, and it’s early enough in the day for attendees to still make their afternoon/evening plans
Have a brief opening circle — Give attendees an opportunity to share their names and pronouns before hitting the trail
Take a group photo — use this to promote the hike each month and keep track of attendance
Pick a trail leader each time — this person will pay attention to directions and keep everyone going the right way. It’s nice to outsource this so attendees can feel like they’re contributing to the hike
Make the timing clear — ****Post a meet-up time and a clear time that you’ll depart on the hike, then stick with your timeline: “We’ll meet at 10:00am, and depart at 10:20am sharp!” This makes it more likely that people will make an effort to get there on time; plus, if someone arrives just five minutes after you’ve left, they’ll know that they can catch up with you on the trail if they hustle.
Tell folks about the terrain — ****There’s a big difference between a flat, two-mile loop and a six-mile hike with 1,000 feet of elevation gain. Let folks know what to expect from the hike both in terms of distance, elevation, terrain, and expected length in time.
After each hike:
Keep notes on which trails were the crowd favorites — attendees will give you feedback if they think there was too much elevation or if a hike was too short and easy
Encourage attendees to pick a restaurant after the hike and all get together for some well-earned grub! This is an easy way to keep building community
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Picnics are an easy way to get people outdoors to enjoy the fresh air and strengthen relationships. As an all-ages venue, parks are a great option for events that cater to people under 21, perfect for events which cater to poly families or parents.
Location: The key to a successful picnic is finding the right spot. Ideally, it should be easy to find and accessible to all your guests. Be sure to give guests exact GPS coordinates so they can find the spot easily. Also, be sure to check the weather beforehand. If the forecast is calling for rain, you may need to cancel or reschedule.
Food: Encourage guests to bring food to share, but make sure to let them know it’s not mandatory. This will help ensure that there is enough food for everyone. If you’re feeling adventurous, you can even plan a potluck-style picnic!
Activities: Picnics are a great opportunity to get creative and plan some fun activities for the group. A few ideas include volleyball, frisbee, bocce ball, or a scavenger hunt. You can also bring along a few board games to keep everyone entertained! Check out our Conversation prompts for more activity recommendations.
Cleanup: Be sure to plan ahead for cleanup. Bring a few trash bags, gloves, and hand sanitizer in case you need it. Assign someone to help oversee the cleanup process and make sure everyone pitches in. This will help keep the area clean and keep your picnic spot in good condition for future visits.
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Hosting a discussion group is a great way to build community and foster meaningful conversations. Discussion groups are often hosted in people’s homes, but any space that’s quiet and available can work.
Here are a few tips for hosting a successful discussion group:
Pick a topic: When planning a discussion group, it’s important to pick a topic that everyone can relate to. This could be anything from relationships to career goals to self-improvement. Be sure to pick a topic that everyone can engage in and have an opinion about.
Set a schedule: When hosting a discussion group, it’s important to set a clear schedule and stick to it. This will help ensure that everyone is on the same page and that the group runs smoothly. Let your participants know the date and time of the discussion group and remind them to be on time.
Encourage participation: You want to create a safe and welcoming environment for the discussion group. Encourage people to participate and contribute to the conversation. Let people know that their opinion matters and that their voice is heard.
Be a good listener: As the host, it’s important to be an active listener. Listen to the conversation and be ready to jump in when needed. This will help keep the conversation flowing and make sure everyone is heard.
Have fun!: At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that the discussion group is meant to be fun. Encourage people to have a good time and get to know each other. This is a great opportunity to build relationships and learn from each other.
Policies for Keeping People Safe
🦠 Covid-19
These days, it’s looking like COVID is an endemic that’s here for the long haul. That means it’s something that event organizers of all types need to take into consideration. Guidance on this topic falls into two categories: how to reduce the risk of COVID transmission at your event, and what to do if someone tests positive after your event.
Reducing Risk
While it is not possible to reduce the risk of COVID transmission to zero, here are some basic precautions you can put in place in order to lower folks’ risk. Keep in mind that some people will sit out events they deem too unsafe, while others will sit out events with policies they consider too restrictive. We think there is a sweet spot in the middle that balances reasonable precautions with acceptable risk.
Ventilation: Because COVID is an airborne virus, improving air circulation in indoor spaces will reduce the risk of transmission. Leave windows and doors open and use fans to circulate fresh air from outside.
Stay outside: Along similar lines, hosting your event outside – such as a park or bar with a patio – significantly reduces the risk of transmission.
Require vaccination: Simply put, vaccination is effective at reducing the spread of COVID. If you require attendees to be vaccinated, you’ll need to put someone at the door to check vaccination records. You’ll also want to be clear about what counts as “fully vaccinated,” given the multiple rounds of boosters recommended by the CDC.
Testing: Asking attendees to take a rapid test before attending is an effective risk-reduction strategy. Some organizers feel comfortable using an honor system for testing, and don’t check at the door. Others just ask to see a photo of a negative rapid test result taken that day. Still others will ask for attendees to take their rapid test on-site. In this case, make sure you have a dedicated “holding area” for people waiting for their test results – you’ll also want to make sure you have extra volunteers at the door to manage this process. Given that rapid tests typically cost around $10 at drug stores, we suggest having extra tests available for free for people experiencing financial hardship.
Communicate, communicate, communicate!: Before your event, communicate with your attendees about the precautions you’re putting in place (or not) for your event. This will allow people to make an informed decision about the level of risk they’ll be accepting by attending.
In Case of Transmission
If an attendee tests positive for COVID-19 within the week after your event, there is a possibility that transmission occurred at the event itself – and that other attendees may have also caught COVID and not yet be aware of it. In this case, the event organizer has an ethical obligation to alert attendees so that they can test and monitor. Attendees should also be invited to notify everyone if they also test positive so that everyone is aware of the possible spread (if just one person tests positive, it’s possible they picked it up somewhere else; if a lot of people test positive, it’s more likely that there was spread at the event itself). You should also let people know that they can reach out to you privately so that you can let people know about the total case count while protecting individuals’ privacy. We’ve provided some template language that you can use to
🦺 Consent & Safety
Consent is central to how ethically non-monogamous communities operate. While this guide is explicitly focused on social events without an explicit physical component, the principles of consent culture are still vital for creating a safe environment for all.
While we hope you never have to address a consent violation or other harmful behavior, it's possible you'll need to ask someone to leave your event, bar them from returning, or take other action (e.g. making someone's presence at your events conditional on their completion of an accountability process).
Examples of behaviors that may require an intervention:
Someone becoming too inebriated at your events.
Racist, sexist, or otherwise inappropriate comments, even when framed as a “joke.”
Reports of a pattern of consent violations or other harmful behavior from an attendee, even when that behavior did not occur at your event.
Addressing Consent and Safety Concerns
When it comes to consent and safety violations, every situation is unique. As an event host, you have a wide degree of discretion in how you respond. Generally, we recommend the following steps:
Have a system in place: You can only act on what you know. For this reason, we strongly suggest way for attendees to easily report consent violations, safety issues, or other harmful behavior to the event host. Messages sent through this system should be read in a timely manner so you can respond effectively. You can send out an anonymous survey following your event or creating a dedicated email address for your event to make it easy to get in touch. By encouraging people to report violations – even minor things – you can maintain a safer event. Even if there’s nothing to report, knowing that the organizer takes safety and consent seriously makes attendees feel safer!
Check for bias, and bring in backup. While perhaps not necessary for relatively minor or very clear cut cases, it’s generally a good idea to have at least two people responsible for investigations and interventions. Additionally, make sure that no one involved has obvious bias, such as a romantic or close personal relationship with any of the parties involved. Finally, be aware of implicit bias and how to reduce its impact on a decision.
Gather information about what occurred. Talk to the person making the report, and get input from impacted parties about what type of intervention they would like to occur (“I just want you to talk to them so they can change their behavior,” or “I don’t feel safe with this person around.”). Get input from any witnesses to what occurred, as well as from the person at the center of the report.
Take action. Make a decision about your resolution and communicate it to all the impacted parties. Interventions could include:
A verbal warning.
A requirement that the violator take some action, such as writing an apology letter, abstaining from drinking at future events, etc.
A suspension from attendance.
A permanent ban from the event.
A Note on Consent Frameworks
Events such as cuddle parties and play parties, which involve physical interaction, require a more comprehensive community consent framework than non-sexual social mixers. However, you may find it beneficial to familiarize yourself with resources such as the Consent Framework used by the Bonobo Network, a well-respected Bay Area play party community, to gain further understanding into how consent frameworks function in higher stakes environments.